BAD MEMORY

Sometimes you are listening to someone or yourself, the T.V., a song or you are reading a magazine or a status update or you have an experience and something sticks. I have the memory span of a pigeon, so I am always excited when this happens. I’ll try and put down 5 statements, thoughts that have resonated and stayed with me. I hope they will resonate and stay with you as well.

1.      If you are not prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with something original.

This might be true. This statement has made me more daring, so I am usually making a fool out of myself, but in the end, I have realized that I was glad that I tried.

2.      I’ll probably not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister

This is funny because it can be true.

3.      The devil is a lie!

Once again these rappers blew my mind, with their double entendre and deep poetry.  Then I heard the same statement in an R&B song. Statements like this are meant to keep you guessing. My guess was that the black man should refuse his fatalistic instincts and start taking responsibility and charge of his environment. I suddenly became interested in curing cancer.

4.      Feminists have sex for pleasure

This was the hardest and busiest afternoon of my life. It ended with a lecture and I was convinced to stop watching porn.

5.      Does the question, “When are you going to settle down?”

a.      Motivate you

b.      Amuse you

c.       Provoke homicidal thoughts

As soon as I read this question on this magazine called Couture, I started looking for strong sturdy areas where I could secure a rope with a noose. I became obsessed and I was now scanning roofs in the office, in class, street lights. Apparently it had the answer on the next paragraph. This motivated me to stop reading fashion magazines.

We should all try and forget more. Gin helps sometimes!

TILL THE GRAVE DOES US PART

I have heard about girls dating older men…I mean, really aged men; but I have never had a personal experience on the matter. Now hold your horses, refrain from your judgments…no, I am not the one dating a super senile guy, I am just trying to say that I have never interacted with anyone who likes them old. Speaking of judgments…am I being judgmental when I say that people should date people their own age, or at least a small age gap? What on earth would you find attractive in a 67 year old man? I know people have very bizarre fetishes, but surely...Old, rugged, droopy skin? Certainly not! What fulfillment would a 20 year old supple beautiful, well educated girl find in literally robbing the grave? Ops, forgive my ignorance. I forgot about the money. It’s all about the mulla right? After all, a girl must hustle and hustle hard.

What world have I been living in? I mean, I have seen the ‘Girls in the playboy mansion’ –a popular reality show on the E Channel, watched movies where ‘robbing the grave’  was the order of the day…but nothing had quite prepared me for the shock I received last Saturday. I met Sherry through Melisa whom we have been friends since high school. Sherry is one of those obviously beautiful women. She is always clad in well fitting, flimsy and motley clothes. Her hair is always in place and her feet are forever in six inch high stilettos. At her age, she is the most educated woman I know. At 23 years of age, Sherry is pursuing her doctorate in clinical psychology and has a very well paying job.

It is this background that sent me to the shock of my life when I learnt that Sherry was dating a 67 years old big bellied man. Melisa had invited me for her birthday party which she insisted we must bring a date. In the spirit of obeying the birthday girl, I forced my boyfriend suit up and join me for the evening occasion. The occasion was well attended by Melisa’s friends.Me being a melancholic sat in the corner with my boyfriend. After all, these were all Melisa’s friends whom I didn’t know. At around 8pm, Sherry strutted in a little black dress accompanied by a man who looked like her father, uncle or even grandfather. Happy to see a common face, I dashed to say ‘hi’ to her completely ignoring the man. No sooner had I finished hugging Sherry than she introduced me to her fiancé. The horror in my face betrayed me. Let’s just say Sherry has never spoken to  me again and I did not get an invite to her wedding.I have resigned my self to  getting updates from her Facebook and Instagram  accounts.I guess for her,it For better for worse,until the grave does them part.

Photo courtesy of   http://www.eligiblemagazine.com/

A LONG DISTANCE KIND OF VALENTINE

         The weekend of love is finally here and trust me the ladies in Nairobi have been looking forward to it and they all have different reasons for it me included. The Nairobi 'mamacitas' have already faced so much disappointment from the banning of the 50 shades of grey movie so the men who thought they could get away with it this weekend, all plans cancelled now they have to pull up your socks especially if you had not made any plans at all. Words of wisdom guys, if your to late or too broke to afford dinner reservations, just make sure you have good chocolate and good wine not the cheap brand and not wafers that is not chocolate.

             The world today is different in terms of love and relationships. There are ladies who have agreed to fit in the box of friends with benefits, basically the ladies that do not expect a lot from any man this weekend and she has agreed to settle to meeting up with her beau on the 15th or 16th. Then there is the legit wife or girlfriend, the lady who knows its her and her alone to be catered to this weekend then the single woman, yea that chic in your office who has already bought  herself a box of chocolate and a bouquet of flowers and has made sure you have all noticed, but deep down she knows she will be sleeping alone and she might not get a good night telephone call from that man she has been eyeing. OH! Lets not forget the young lady being kept in limbo by a certain guy who cannot get a hint even if it him in the head. But there is one particular lady who I worry about the lady in along distance relationship. How does she do it?

                  Sometimes it can really be hard for a lady to deal with having your loved one far from you but this is the part I say "honey child thank Jesus for the internet." Thanks to the internet long distance relationships have been made simpler you can now have digital face time with apps like skype, viber, facebook, snaptu which sometimes are the same sites to credit for the culmination of these kinds of relationships. In this article I will give two of the best ways to spice up the romance while kilometers apart.

                  According to the Spoon University website, one way to do it is serve and have dinner together not forgetting the candles and wine. Basically it will be like having dinner together. I understand you will not be able to hold his hand or tap him on the back when he makes you giggle but its time together you can get that you couldn't get together before the internet.

                     Number two, send each other care baskets to arrive on the day you are scheduled to have dinner. Send each other things that would help the rate of missing each other. Ladies try and make it a bit tantalizing, put one of your lingerie pieces that he has utter fancy for, oh! and don't forget to spray your cologne on that, it might him make him come home faster.

                     Ladies and gents no one is holding you back from a bit raunchy this valentine with your beau, its valentine for crying out load go ahead, the site did not say you have to have dinner with your lover in dinner dresses if you feel like dressing up have fun and if you feel like being half naked then it's just the two of you, make it count. At the end of the day you know your significant other better than anyone else if you have been listening to her I have no doubt that this valentine will go well for you , but please rise up to the occasion and don't say anything that would make date night go wrong.


From one lover to another,
Happy valentines.
Bernice Wairima 

DANCE IN KENYA

By Patrick Mburu

Dance has always been celebrated in Kenya,  back during the hippie times to now in our generation. But unlike in our grandparents and parents time where dance was about  practice, innovation to a more better and attractive move, dance today has stagnated. Today, the so called dancers have to be paid to dance innovatively, Kenyans  are dancing  like how they see in music videos, i.e. if they can hack it in our limited dance floors in the many clubs and bars in Kenya. If they can not hack the music dance then they opt to do the same remedial dance that they were taught the first time. That dance that took  them to their happy place. Ladies grind their asses, and dry hump that dude they like or intent to know better and guys pretend they like it just to be able to chipo her later on.

From the rave in Westy, to the one in Langata, to the one in Rongai, to the one in Town, to the one in  Roysambu, to the one in Kasarani, to the one in Naxs, to the one in Naivasha, Coast, Machakos; the trend is the same. It’s like there was a kamkunji that limits you from fully changing the moves to something better. It’s sad that sober guys dance the same moves like wasted people, what's with that? Where is the ulevi pride? Fadhali ungespend pesa buying yourself pizza or some non-dietary foodstuff or even spend that money buying something nice for your parents than drinking yourself to kingdom come, then dancing like your sober, what's the point??

At least that old guy who was there during the 80’s try and blend the new and the old, if he or she doesn’t break a bone and it is easy to do. A young guy who is a copycat will try the same moves to impress and get somewhere, but when there is a change in songs the copycat will crawl back to their shell and do the same remedial dance as before, like two steps forward and fifteen steps behind, that’s retrogressive. According to studies , the first dance practice is in front of a mirror first alone, then in front of family or friends as the audience. Out of experience and observation from different counties, makes me wonder, where is the progress, maybe the next generation will shame you. 

It’s so bad, that ladies dry hump even to gospel, whatever happened to respect to The Almighty or at least religion, just because gospel is being played by our club Dj, your mind hits grinding, that just sad, how is dry humping related to gospel?? Don't say that we are all sinners, even the devil himself respects God, but our club dancers, seriously?? 

 On the bright side, guys who can't dance can imitate people who try to, with their amateur dance moves, in those small dance areas in clubs and bars. Practice in front of the bathroom mirror and perfect the small acquired skill and then go brag that they have the best moves in town, they might get laid as a result, because it is amateur night.